I pray passionately in my car. I mean I get down to it, get all in it. But at stop lights I have to pick up my cell phone and pretend to be on it so that I don’t look like a crazy person. Sure I’ve thought well maybe they’ll think it’s Bluetooth on the other side of my head but I’m not willing to take that chance so I stick my cell phone on my left ear in plain view. Even then I have to chill a little cause it could look like I was really telling someone off. Although a friend that saw me driving down the road thought I was singing. That’s nice I guess.

Last week I was at the mall with my sister-in-law, Amanda. She decided she needed just one chocolate for her sweet tooth from See’s Candies. So we went in and they offered several samples. Well at this point her sweet tooth was satisfied and now she had no need to buy chocolate. So she just looked around awkwardly and said, “Well… I was just looking. We might come back later.” WHAT! Ok, you can say that at the car lot, “Just looking.” but when a girl goes into a chocolate store, it’s not to just LOOK at the pretty little chocolates. It’s to buy and pig out! I’m quite sure it was the first time they’d ever heard that ...

Seems like when you finally do need that shirt that’s practically hanging from the ceiling that you can’t find anyone in sight to help you. When you finally track down a girl to bring her long silver pole and get you your shirt you’re off to the dressing room and that’s where dressing room hell begins. They suddenly pound on your door and you jump startled because your half naked. “How ya doing in there?” they always say. It’s really awkward to talk to a stranger while you’re undressed. What do they think I could possibly need while I’m in there? “Actually, two eggs over easy and a cup of coffee black please. That would be great.” And then I love when they bring piles of clothes for you to try on in between pounding on the door every five minutes to ask how you’re doing. Maybe one time I should just invite her in and take a seat while proceeding to tell my life story, balling and blowing my nose. Then I could take a deep breath, sigh with running mascara and red nose and thank her for asking me if I was ok ...

“Hi, how are you? How can I help you today?” is the classic greeting by the girl who zeroes in on you when you walk into the store. And then my classic response is, “Just looking.” as I scurry away trying to look real busy. Then she asks me two and a half minutes later, “Are you still doing okay?” Then four minutes after that, “Are you looking for something specific, something in particular?” And I say, “Oh, no…. Just looking.” Then five minutes after that she’ll say, “Are you shopping for yourself or someone else?” And then I say, “Oh, no……JUST LOOKING.” Then when the first girl gives up on me another one will start all over again “HI! How are you? How can I help you today?” This is where I just leave the store. See they don’t know that the possibility of getting a sale from me goes WAY down after you badger me every two minutes until I just have to get out of the store ...

Yes there is another woman I am competing with! She shows up to my house every evening and her name is FOOTBALL! My husband is very passionate about her and I am very jealous. He seems to lay down his life for her, always cheering her on and faithfully supporting her with everything he’s got. He even wears t-shirts with her name on it to declare his love for her to the world. He’s so encouraging everyday as he calls out to her “Go! Go! YES!” and when anyone tries to get in her way he gets very angry because he always wants her to win in life. Yes he’s extremely faithful to her spending dedicated quality time with her every day for hours! He doesn’t take his eyes off of her, he is completely focused on every move she makes and every word she says. So I try to be more attractive than her by curling up to him on the couch with a cute smile but I can’t even break his gaze. GAME ON! Me and football are going to war ...

My nephew taught me how to make lemons into lemonade. ...

Mmm, global warming. It sounds so big and intimidating. How about “warming globally?” There that sounds more friendly doesn’t it? It makes the earth sound like it’s getting a big warm hug from an enormous teddy bear. Eww I just got the goose bumps. I think that means something. Right? When you get the goose bumps it’s supposed to mean something but I don’t know what. Somehow things just have more meaning when it gives you the goose bumps. How about “globe hug” instead of “global warming.” Does that give you goose bumps? I mean I realize it’s kind of an aggressive hug but I think he means well. I smell something burning ...

At Christmas I find myself whirling in my brain when I have the task of shopping for a man. What do they want! Now as for Women there are endless possibilities when it comes to the things they want: perfumes, lotions and potions, jewelry, hats and scarves, purses and belts, accessories galore! The gifting ideas are endless! ...